Jan 12, 2017

Restart

Every time I type a mini rant on Facebook, I inevitably get the same comment: Why aren't you writing a book.

I guess because I don't know who would want to read it. When I write, I verbalize what is going on in my head. I have tried to teach myself to talk less, listen more, so typing it all out feels like a safe way to express all the words I don't say throughout the day.

For example, today I wondered why there are no Disney cover bands.
I continued on with that chain of thought, if there ARE in fact already Disney cover bands, how come I've never heard of any?
And furthermore, why aren't I in one?
That would be a bizarre conversation to have with a co-worker, and while I could tweet it, the responses would be none to cute "LOL's. Nothing substantial. So where should I put all of these miscellaneous musings?

With that in mind, I am going to restart my blog.
I might still post about music occasionally, but for now I might try to make it a little more about myself and what happens in my head. To start with, I am going to include the post I put up on Facebook earlier today, with some more editing and adding in more details, the one that got this blog ball rolling again. Feel free to comment and let me know your thoughts as well!

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I wasn't going to share this and then I decided I needed to so here goes...

A few months ago I met a guy through a dog Facebook group (he messaged me asking if our puppies could be buddies) and we became fairly good friends quickly. Aside from bonding over our dogs, it turns out we had a lot in common despite living 3000 miles apart. We are both secretly introverts who prefer to spend our time at home with our pets (big surprise) and nether of us drink. Our inner circle of people are pretty small and we've both overcome some life challenges o get to where we are today. The friendship kept building and soon we were face timing each other and sending cute photos of our puppies during the day. Not a euphemism, we legitimately texted pictures of our puppies is various cutesy poses.

I'm fairly skeptical about online dating at this point, I truly believe you need to make eye contact with someone to know if there's a connection so when he professed a deeper interest in me I went along, keeping my cynical self in check. I kept waiting for it to be too good to be true. Every time the doubts rose up I'd communicate them to him and we would talk it out. He seemed genuine. We didn't hold back and spoke openly about many different subjects.

We decided he would travel to LA to meet in person, both acknowledging that there was a chance this would totally fizzle in person and if so, we'd continue as friends. On my part, I was secretly thrilled to find a guy around my age who had a job and totally got my need to check on my dog via nanny cam while I was at work. I counted down the weeks, looking forward to finally meeting this person who could potentially change the course of my life in some way. I sent him a gift over the holidays, nothing fancy but something sweet that showed him I cared enough to make an effort. A tuxedo onesie- which he promptly took a selfie in, making my whole day. Also, it proved his mailing address was legit. 

I went away this past weekend for a family function out of state and he was due to arrive Tuesday, after my return. The entire week prior he went fairly quiet and I assumed it was because of my upcoming trip, but I spoke up about the silence and he voiced some nerves over flying and leaving his dogs. Then he pretty much went radio silent the whole weekend I was away and I was busy with family so I had to let it slide. When I got back to town and still nothing, I knew in my gut something was off. He sent me one message Monday apologizing for being quiet saying that he had disappointed himself. I waited all day for more, for an explanation, then when nothing followed I simply replied "yup".

He didn't make his flight Tuesday.
(Or he did and he's gallivanting around LA without me, who knows).
My question is why.
Why waste my time?
Why bother putting in the time and effort getting to know me if it wasn't real?
Even worse, if it WAS real, why back out?

So this week was pretty tough for me. I sort of feel like I was dumped and I am having family withdrawal on top of it all. I called out from work and sort of moped and sulked yesterday. Going to a different state made me question why I pay rent for a studio when I could pay half that somewhere else for a mortgage. Basically I finally feel like LA beat me. I don't want to fight for parking at a grocery store or see red every time some moron in front of me can't drive. I want a yard and I want to plant a garden and meet all my neighbors and foster a few dogs at a time.

I'm not mad at this guy, actually I'm sort of relieved. I'd rather know he wasn't legit before we started anything. And now if I suddenly move, I have absolutely nothing and no one holding me back.

The topper on my cake this week was due to all the rain I woke up this morning to drips hitting my face. While my puppy snoozed blissfully unaware under the covers.

Omg now I just want lots of cake.

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I need to add that yesterday I felt really sorry for myself. I called out from work and sat on the couch in sweats while it poured outside. The weather matched my mood perfectly and I didn't want to be around people, just home snuggling my puppy.

This morning as the ceiling dripped on my face, I lay there thinking that I couldn't let some guy across the country get to me. I have done too many things that were so much harder than this, I can't start losing now. So I got up, put a bucket on my bed to catch the drips, emailed my building manager and went to work. 

Today it rained again, but this time as I walked to work with my umbrella, it felt cleansing. I felt good and strong, even if it was ruining my hair. I'm the last person anyone should feel sorry for and I hate when I catch myself doing it.For anyone out there who is having a touch time, take a shower, go to sleep and wake up tomorrow to a better day- it is a chance for a fresh start.

After work I'm going to buy an entire sheet cake and slowly spend the rest of the week and weekend eating my way through it. If you ask, I might even share.