Feb 17, 2013

One month later - Danny M

I haven't been myself this last month.   Aside from not knowing what to do on a daily basis, I find that things I would usually shrug off strike deep chords within me and I am able to let a lot of other issues slide that I wouldn't usually let go.   I attribute this deep sense of displacement to the events that happened to me four weeks ago (see In Loving Memory - Danny M).   People ask me why I am so affected and besides feeling misunderstood the only answer I can give them is that my entire world that I had poured every part of myself into suddenly disappeared in one day.   Gone.

My grief isn't that of a family member, and I am not remotely suggesting that is the case.   It is more personal than that of an employee.   I am in the uniquely strange position of having cared entirely too much and becoming totally emotionally invested in something- a person, a place, a company, the tangible and intangible, all of it, in a very short period of time.   And it hurts.

Most days, I can get through without really having that gut wrenching moment of pain when something randomly reminds me.   Then there are instances where that damn Swedish House Mafia song plays (of course, it is possibly the most popular song playing on the radio so that makes it even harder to avoid) and sometimes I will just crumble into a bawling heap.   Other times I smile and dance and raise a hand up to the sky because I feel comfort.   It can really go either way.

The video I recorded the day after he died and shared on facebook was intensely personal for me.   I rarely sing in public, and when I do I never share with strangers... but a friend saw the video and said I had to share it with other people who were also hurting and missing him.   I did not expect it to get the views it did and the love and comfort I received from strangers and friends alike was very healing.   It definitely makes me uneasy to blend my real life with this blog- something I use as a hobby to talk about music and the very real and seriousness of the situation I'm dealing with.   But I love how many of you have been so supportive and might actually start blogging again properly- as in, long winded written articles where I discuss whatever whimsical topic strikes me.

There have been two times now in the last few weeks where I was out in public and the actual song started playing.   This blows my mind- I have spent years adoring this song and never hearing it unless I pulled it up on my play list.   The first time was at a beauty pageant- as the show ended and we exited into the lobby of the theater, a live band started playing the first notes.   I literally stumbled on the stairs and sat down, there was no air in my lungs and giant tears slid down my face before I realized what I was even reacting to.   The second time was less dramatic but no less strange- I was at a birthday dinner at a house and the party was for one of Danny's friends, also a random event I had not known prior to arriving.   They were playing music on a laptop and of course, Hallelujah starts playing.... I mean.   Instead of reacting I stood up and excused myself, went outside and composed myself and came back in, no less shaken than the first time but I'm getting better at coping with it.

Anyway, enough rattling on about all of this, here is the video.   Please respect the reason it was made, even if you don't like it.   I miss Danny every day and this was the most honest, raw and respectful way I had of reacting in the first few days of total mind numbing sadness.

1 comment:

  1. know whenever you hear the song he is thinking of you and sending his love.