Feb 19, 2011

Paris Hilton's Birthday Cake Was Stolen...and Here's How It Went Down (NSFW)

Sometimes when I read the news I wonder if the people who do stupid things are doing them just to get in the news in the first place...case in point:
Paz (really, that's the nickname you want to get your 15 minutes with?) decided to post his epic adventure on facebook.   He claims he crashed Paris Hilton's birthday party and stole her birthday cake.   Probably bits and pieces are true and a lot of it is hyped to make it more dramatic or interesting, but ok, I'll bite.   Here's his FB write up of how events unfolded, note the wonderfully lucid explanation paired with the conveniently vague 'everything from last night is fuzzy' caveat, along with well documented images from said spontaneous excursion.

I Crashed Paris Hilton's Birthday And Accidentally The Whole Cake

by Paz on Thursday, February 17, 2011 at 12:03pm
 I woke up this morning with a $2000 birthday cake in my living room.   
It's big. It's red. It says "Paris".
And its fucking delicious.

24 hours ago I got a call from my well-connected buddy Kevin.    
"Dude, I'm crashing Paris Hilton's birthday tonight. Pretty sure I can get you in," he says.
 "Pretty sure you can't," I say.
 "Pretty sure I will," he says.   90 minutes later we're strolling down a red carpet like we belong there.
 Hollywood is so weird sometimes, it scares me. I always imagined parties like this having more layers of security chekpoints than the white house. Yet all I needed was a red wristband with a "P" on it, and suddenly an army of black-clad mercenaries is hustling me into a mansion the size of a Holiday Inn.
 Flashes shower down on us as we walk, apparently just in case we're famous.    
We're not. But that hardly seems to matter. We blend pretty successfully with the guests -- and by "blend", I mean "drink heavily".
This photo turned out 95% more dramatic than intended
By comparison to the entrance, the actual party seems tame. Of course, that's "tame" as defined in Hollywood.
 In Hollywood, having drinks served to you by naked, bodypainted nymphs with Tinkerbell wings is "tame."
 In Hollywood, hiring an 8 foot tall Iron Man impersonator to breakdance is "tame-ish".
 On planet earth, however, these things may or may not be considered absurd to the point of gravitational field disruption.
 Now is a good time to mention there were 6 open bars.
Dude, this was awesome.
 By the time Paris blows out the candles, we're blown to smithereens. A dozen drinks deep, I'm slurring the lyrics to "Happy Birthday" as one continuous word while attemping not to fall face first into the cake.   The cake is big. Its red. It says "Paris".   And it looks fucking DELICIOUS. 
 Its getting late. As the party thins out, I glance toward cakeville and realize not a slice of frosted deliciousness has been served.
 "What's the deal with the cake?" I finally ask one of the waiters.
 "Oh that red one? They'll probably just throw it out..."
 I am Jack's incredulous stomach.   It was at this inebriated moment I decided no one was going to waste $2000 worth of anything on my watch. 
"HeEy," I mumble to Kevin... "I have to rescue that cake."
 "Bet you can't," he says.
 "Bet I argh--ll blaghr," I say.
 "I'll get the car." he says.
This is my gift to you. You're welcome.
Even in my sub-functional state, I realize this is going to be a delicate mission. There are still at least 100 people in the building, 20% of whom are employed to be looking for idiots like me.   Parading a confection the size of a small firetruck through the main hall is going to turn a head or two.   I make for the front door as Kev makes for the valet. I summon some gumption and begin to walk purposefully back into the party.   I brush shoulders with the guy who resembles the head of security.
 "Hey man," I say to him with an air of I-know-what-I'm-doing. "The cake is in that room, right?"
 "Yes, sir," he acknowledges with a slight bow toward the rear of the house.   I take my cue and make a bullet for cake city.   In one fluid motion, I sidestep a confused waiter, seize the prize, and about face to the door.   I pass the security chief again on the way out.    I nod purposefully... he nods in return.

40 seconds later I'm in the front seat of a Nissan Maxima with 70 lbs. of awesome in my lap.   Success.   
As the sun rises, I crash hard. In the morning, I'll awake to an interesting surprise in the den.   It's red. It's delicious. And I don't know WTF I'm going to do with it.
  • 423 people like this.
  • 50 of 129
    • Mike Ashe epic
      Yesterday at 3:02am
    • Dave Pascoe Legend. Na actually, hero. . Actually you deserve this one, ICON. Good work
      Yesterday at 3:13am
    • Jaymes Hayes i was gonna ask for a slice, but garth had a great idea
      Yesterday at 3:14am
    • Yannick Schmid you sir are fucking epic!!!!
      Yesterday at 3:48am
    • Hanie Schmeisser you got featured in failbook. well, awesome anyway.
      Yesterday at 3:58am
    • Maxi Ortiz Bolongaita SO.MUCH.WIN.
      Yesterday at 4:31am
    • Dan Lalonde This was awsome. You should have filmed it like they do for Improveverywhere.com
      Yesterday at 4:45am
    • Matt Jones Setup paypal, allow us to pay whatever postage would be for a slice of this obviously great memorabilia, send us cake. I would frame it, I would have a special deep-dish frame made and frame it. Pariscake, because we're worth it.
      Yesterday at 4:48am
    • Marta Karwowska hellz yes !!! hellz yes !!! hellz yes !!!
      Yesterday at 5:11am
    • Flor D. Turra somebody save this page in case is taken down by the facebook police!
      Yesterday at 6:40am
    • Paz 
      ‎@matthewsexton @garth that's actually a great idea...

      @shakeitta i know, it spread crazy fast. i just thought it was a funny story. ET thought it was grand larceny ;0

      @earl I accept your medal on behalf of drunk assholes everywhere
      ...See More
      Yesterday at 6:43am
    • Flor D. Turra fuck the homeless! they didn't have the balls to do this. YOU should eat it. You deserve it!
      Yesterday at 6:45am ·  2 people
    • Mayank Sehgal I totally second Flor :D
      Eat the heck out of it like there's no tomorrow :D
      Yesterday at 8:03am
    • Jeremiah Joseph You win the internet
      Yesterday at 8:25am
    • Keith Whiteman This is so full of win, it's ridiculous. I believe I have a new hero. o.o
      Yesterday at 8:30am
    • Joost Kramer ‎_/-\o_
      Yesterday at 8:31am ·  1 person
    • Rana Saoud Ahmed You, my friend, are a fucking legend.
      Yesterday at 8:33am
    • Nina Cruz-Drecchio that was such a funny story! lol awesome
      Yesterday at 8:42am
    • Maceo Corputty this is AWESOME
      Yesterday at 8:59am
    • Boudewijn Rijk seriously brilliant man =))
      Yesterday at 9:03am
    • Linda Stranger Well done, dude... well done.
      23 hours ago
    • Wilco Kah Just one word: Brilliant.
      Crash Hilton's party, and going home with the jackpot! not Paris, not one of her friends... no Paris her Cake
      23 hours ago
    • Rolando Roman de Leon Be a Skid Row Hero and share that cake with some hungry homeless people.
      23 hours ago
    • Matthew Kunz You are officially the most interesting man in the world. I hope you prefer Dos Equis XD
      23 hours ago ·  1 person
    • Joris van der Mark You deserve a fucking medal or something
      23 hours ago ·  3 people
    • Jake Wood Today was starting off so good, and this just made my day better.
      23 hours ago
    • Kristian Corona Berg Win!
      23 hours ago
    • Joe Stack Dude-that is so EPIC!!!
      22 hours ago ·  1 person
    • Kasia Wasescha This is the most epic thing ever.
      21 hours ago
    • Harriet Brooks Genius. You deserve a Nobel Peace Prize.
      21 hours ago
    • Suzi Babbin Finer Hansen's Cake!!!
      21 hours ago
    • Nicole Kuczynski You are quite possibly among one of my heroes now. x) Bravo, good sir. Bravo.
      20 hours ago
    • Katie Hunter I want to shenanigan on this level.
      20 hours ago
    • Filipe Paz Rodrigues You should put the cake up for auction and donate the money after that. A good thing with Paris's money that herself wouldn't do.
      19 hours ago
    • Jessica Simpson Hahaha this is fucking EPIC. Good job, sir.
      19 hours ago
    • Sarah O'Neill ت this.is.amazing
      19 hours ago
    • Marco Zürcher hahahah great!:D
      19 hours ago
    • Marcus Suat Luger a new level of awesome!
      19 hours ago
    • Peter Fontanez This is epic on so many levels skank deserved it
      18 hours ago
    • Dardan Muhaxheri So much win.
      18 hours ago
    • Lloyd Wright You are a king among men.
      18 hours ago
    • Tony Parsons ‎???????????????????????????????????
      17 hours ago
    • Kim Bouchard Is it made with Valtrex?
      14 hours ago
    • Katrina De'Vries Fucking glorious!!
      12 hours ago
    • Rachel Elizabethh I want it.
      8 hours ago
    • Skyler Haven FUCKING EPIC!!! this is the best crash story ever
      8 hours ago
    • Melina Sica DUDE!!! Soooo EPIC!! You're are fucking genius :D
      2 hours ago
    • Leslie Boyd even US Weekly linked to your page for this. Pretty awesome! I agree with other comments give to the homeless but then again it has Lucid-brand absinthe in the mix so that might not be a good thing to do..
      2 hours ago

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